"My body tightens just saying them," said the former actor during the first episode of her new podcast, Hard Feelings.
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Jennette McCurdy is a best-selling author. Noam Galai/Getty Images for Spotify |
Jennette McCurdy said she's still working through unresolved shame associated with the Nickelodeon sitcoms that she starred on more than a decade ago.
"One of the things that's really important to me in press, if possible, is that iCarly or Sam & Cat are not mentioned," McCurdy, 31, said on the first episode of Hard Feelings, an original podcast from Lemonada Media that premiered on Tuesday, October 24.
"These show titles, my ears burn when I'm saying them," McCurdy explained. "I have so much shame around having been a part of them. And anybody who has read my book I know understands."
McCurdy is known to many for her role as the strong-willed character Sam Puckett on iCarly and its spin-off series Sam & Cat.
She previously opened up about struggling with her identity during that phase of her life in her 2022 New York Times best-selling memoir, I'm Glad My Mom Died.
On her podcast, McCurdy explained that it's frustrating to be associated with a character she's long left behind.
"To have been known for so long for something that I did when I was 13 was very shameful for me," she said.
McCurdy said that her shame isn't just emotional, it's physical. "My body tightens just saying them," she explained, referring to the titles of the shows.
The author said that for a long time, the success of her book covered up her shame because people were connecting with her as a person and she felt seen.
"It's so meaningful to me in such a deep way because I felt like finally, I don't have to carry that shame of my past," McCurdy said. "Finally, I can be known for something that I do as an adult. Finally, I can be known for writing, the thing that I'd wanted to do since I was a child and was not supported in wanting to do. Finally, I can be supported for me, not for a character. And it kind of washed away that shame, for me."
McCurdy thought she had moved past that feeling until she did a college tour in support of her book and an attendee at the University of California San Diego yelled about a butter sock, which was a reference to her character on iCarly.
The interruption activated McCurdy's fight-or-flight response and she continued to be triggered not only by that memory but by the mentions of the Nickelodeon shows in a press release about her podcast.
"I thought the success of the book would be enough," McCurdy said. "When is it gonna be enough for them to forget Sam? When is it gonna be enough for them to stop associating me with the f**king shows I did when I was 13?"
The star said that she unpacked her response in therapy, and was floored when her therapist turned the question on her and asked what it was going to take for her to get past Sam.
McCurdy said that upon reflecting, she understands that her shame can be traced to her late mom fervently supporting the characters she played and neglecting to see her daughter for who she was as a person. McCurdy's response, for a while, was to take out that resentment on people who recognized her as Sam.
"The more popular that Sam got, the more I just felt unseen as Jennette and fundamentally, I think that was coming from not being able to see myself," she said.
McCurdy wrapped up her candid episode by saying she's willing to do whatever it takes to not be affected by references to her past acting jobs.
"I want to be past this," she said.
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Original source: Insider.
